blake_droid

I had the BEST birthday weekend ever.

Saturday night, we started in Hayden's room by uncorking the bottle of champagne that John Hayden got for me and Corrina. Everyone was dressed up (John and I were twins in almost-matching plaid flannel, but he's the freakishly tall twin) and relaxing to the playlist that we'd edited. Hayden's bff from home, Ricardo, came to visit and the two of them were acting like idiots. We shot some Patron, because John "doesn't like and wants to get rid of it" and we wanted to start drinking.

Around 8:30, most of us trouped into John and Janosz's room to smoke some of the new weed he'd just bought- Sweet Tooth and Marco Polo. Because I was drinking, and crossfading is horrible to me, I only had 2 hits. Later, I had another one, which probably wasn't the best idea, but whatever.

The "party" didn't start until around 10:30, but from 9 until then, it was absolute mayhem. While still in John's room, all the high people started dancing around and singing to C'est la Vie by Bewitched, some random pop group. There's a video. Then back in Hayden's room, Janosz was dancing in his Loony Tunes oneside while lying on the floor. He is so goddamn energetic. I texted Sam, telling her to get over here because her boyfriend was the life of the party. At one point, Louise, John and I were bouncing in unison on Kenzie's bed while singing TiK ToK, followed by my ridiculously raunchy lap dance that I gave to Louise. John claims to have gotten "secondhand lap dance" because he was sitting next to her.

I kinda maybe definitely blacked out soon after my other friends like Faren and Mariah got there... the next thing I remember is being in the Villard Room at the Calle Ocho Latin dance thing. I remember a shit ton of texting to Janusz. Sam and Hayden left me, miraculously without taking me home, and I found him pretty soon after I had sobered up a tiny bit. He asked what the fuck was up with my texts and if Hayden had stolen my phone. To save face, I readily agreed. We danced for quite a while until we decided to leave. We almost had sex that night, I dare to say, but I didn't really want to because I was drunk, so I'm glad he didn't suggest it.

I woke up the next morning, on my birthday, naked next to a boy. Yes. We cuddled and then hooked up again but it was really mellow/gentle. Then I left, found out at Joss that I was incomprehensibly drunk the night before and went to lunch.

John and I went to a head shop, where he bought a mother fucking vape. Then we grabbed Corrina, Janosz, and Sam and went to the mall after I bought a half from my drug dealer so that we could make weed brownies. At the mall, I bought myself a pair of jeans and a shirt from H&M, as well as socks because they're comfy. AND I FOUND YOOHOO IN JUICEBOX FORM. So happy.

We got back to Joss and smoked a little from the vape, went to Bacio's for dinner then came back and got obliterated. It was awesome. John was insane, and chose to do random video chatting with strangers. He was so hyper/happy, it was ridiculous. He showed a few of these people his dick.

In any case, I found myself back in my room, combined apple jacks, peanut butter, nutella and apricot jam into a bowl and ate it. Then I went to sleep. And that was my birthday.

Things with Janusz are going super well. I'm so proud of how responsible I'm being and how adult-like these relations are between us. After Friday night/Saturday morning, he texted me on Saturday night but was super drunk. So our plans of meeting at the Acrop Diner didn't really pan out because apparently that was the 3rd time he's ever blacked out.

I asked him out to lunch last Tuesday and we talked for over an hour. At least 40 minutes of it was spent discussing drugs. He is such a fucking adorably geeky stoner and I absolutely love it. As John Hayden said when we were talking at dinner, "So basically, he's perfect for you." We haven't talked about it, but on his Facebook is a shit ton of weird abstract fantasy novels that I've totally read.

I was kind of worried about tomorrow (Friday night, technically tonight) because Lane is for once gone to NYC on a debate trip and I HAVE THE ROOM TO MYSELF. The last time this happened, when he was at BU or something, I didn't get the chance to utilize this precious time. But in order not to seem clingy/overly desperate, I decided I would forgo trying to talk to him in favor of maybe letting him do the pursuing. FORTUNATELY, he decided to text me about 2 minutes after his class let out at 10 pm (I know, 6-10 class sucks) and ask me what I'm up to. Long story short, I went over to his room, we talked for forever and then hooked up again. And then talked some more in our underwear. And then I decided to leave because it was 2:30 and he has work tomorrow at 9:30. Sad face. But now I feel a bit more confident in asking him to hang out with me tonight, though possibly in the roundabout way in which he did for Thursday- simply emphasize my boredom and hope that he asks me to do something. Hey, -I- was the aggressive one for Thurs, he can return the favor :)

On another note, Hayden and I went to the liquor store today and it was fucking incredible. First, Hayden is so my BFF because he bought 2 handles of vodka and a handle of gin for my birthday party. THEN, the owner, who is super cool and loves us, was asking us if we did shots of Smirnoff and Red Bull. He then took us into the back, poured 1/3 a can of Red Bull into a glass for each of us, poured about 1.8 shots of vodka for each of us; we combined the 2 in the glass, toasted, and shot it together. HE IS SO FUCKING COOL. Hayden and I were so fucking excited about this and vowed that even when John Hayden gets his fake and can order online, we're still going through him.

Last night was probably one of the most fulfilling social nights of my life here at Vassar. First, I went to our friend Ben's birthday party which was super chill. I had about 9 shots of gin in me and had a beer while there. It was largely his freshmen friends chilling while his jazz band played; I bonded with Vee and Emily, so it was super fun. I left fairly soon to go to Louise's room (near Hayden's) to maybe drink a little more... had 2 more shots.

Then I went to lumberjack party but it wasn't that much fun because I was pretty drunk and didn't know people and it was superrrr crowded. And Kielyn Jarvis was there, which just irritated me because HE'S FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Anyway, Mariah texted me that they were doing flaming shots in the suite next to her room so I went there. Alex/Angela (they need a nickname) were preparing the shots, which are fairly difficult to make. I nearly set the table on fire and then while extinguishing the flame nearly knocked a glass of wine to the floor... but all crises were averted.

The Mugg: I spent about half of the night trying to make Taylor come up and dance or even talk to me. Not because I wanted to go home with him; even drunk me didn't want that, so I'm proud. No, I wanted him to try to hook up with so that I could reject him out right. Unfortunately, he wasn't having any of that and I was fairly disappointed... until about 20 minutes before the Mugg closed. All of a sudden this guy is behind me, grinding, and we're 6 ft away from Taylor with nobody blocking the view. After a few minutes, I start making out with the guy GRAPHICALLY, including ass groping. Best. Revenge. Ever.

I ended up going home with the guy, Janusz (not to be confused with Janosz, who, incidentally, spent last night with SAMMMMM but nothing happened). He's actually really cool and attractive (he has an amazingly hairy chest) and I spent the night with him WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. We woke up this morning, spooned for quite a while, hooked up again, and then showered. Then we went back to my dorm so I could change and went to DC for lunch. After exchanging numbers, I asked if he wanted to go to lunch sometime next week and he said yes. I think there might be a future here...

When people do really nice things for me, I tend to get emotional, even though privately. Largely because I'm just not used to anyone doing anything for me, and it hits a certain spot.

We were talking earlier today about spring break and how Sam was going to London with her roommate. And Hayden was saying how he was probably going to be bored; I said I had no idea what I was doing but that I couldn't go home and that I didn't want to stay at Vassar at all costs.

A few minutes ago, he sent me this text: "yo i was thinking about what you said before. if your stuck at vassar or even want to visit your moreee than welcome to come to my house for spring break."

Atrocious texting grammar aside, it was easily the most considerate thing anyone has said to me all day. And I think it proves why he is my best friend here at VC.

Last weekend, Shiva Rave Winter 2010 lived up to its greatness. I ended up going with the gang while wearing a red bandana around my head and some glow bracelets. We got there pretty much JUST at the right moment; there were people dancing but no line.

I was actually fairly perfectly drunk. I had the bravery to ask this random guy a few feet away from me to dance, and he was like, "sure." We made out a fair amount and there was definitely some groping. Then, and I didn't realize this until later, he got "rescued" by a friend. Like when you see your friend hooking up with someone and you think it's a bad idea? Yeah, that happened. I was a little irritated because he was actually fairly hot, but I suppose my eventual emotion was just flattered.

Rafa and I danced a fair amount and although I didn't ask him about Friday night, I just get the feeling he didn't do anything with Taylor. He's just not that kind of guy... even though I am. Sad face. Whatever. I gave Taylor one last chance that night and he totally failed to rise to the occasion. I texted him "At the rave. Lots of people. You should come." No response ever. So I'm basically finished with that shit show, but for real. I later discovered through a little light internet stalking that he was at a Jersey Shore party, but that's still no excuse- he could easily have texted "Sorry, was busy" the next day. I actually briefly interacted with him today, which I had prophesied. He has Construction of Gender with Faren at 3:10 and I was going to the Retreat before my own 3:10 class. Both buildings are right next to Main, where the Retreat is. So I made sure Hayden came with me after Sociology.

Jon and I... I don't know. I have this hankering to go after Rafa again because he's so sweet and I feel like I didn't give him a chance. And I know that I won't ever get into a long distance relationship with Jon again even if he now lives half the distance in Philadelphia (UPenn). But I want him to visit (which I think he wants too) and I HAVE TO SEX HIM. We've had almost 2 years of pure sexual tension that has just not been healthy. It needs to happen. I guess I should just take things slowly with Rafa until then.

I feel bad for John Hayden. He blew off this guy Mike, who is basically his Taylor, and took some other guy home. Unknowingly, it was Mike's ex-boyfriend with whom he had broken up two days prior. John feels horrible and actually should be talking things over with Mike tonight... I'll find out later how that went.

School is still getting to be a drag, though tonight's not so bad. But John Dewey is MAD boring and dense and actually rather crazy with his ideas of progressive education. Maybe it's just almost 14 years of traditional education speaking for me, but the idea of immersing children+ into "experiences" for actual education just seems impractical. Maybe I'm just jaded.

Sitting in Lathrop MPR with Sam and this other friend of hers. It's super nice. Sad note: I don't know how Sam and Janosz are... they seem to be hanging out again lately, but there's no real progression. Maybe straight people are just like that. I don't know. It confuses me.

OH OH OH I signed up for more information on teaching a verbal SAT class to high schoolers just a little ways off of campus. It's for 2 hours a week plus an hour of lesson planning. I think it'll be a good experience, I just hope that they actually ask me to do it.

I'm not a jealous person, I'm really not. And yes, this is yet another facet of Taylor drama, this time of him making a major dick move. I'm leaving the Mug last night with my friend Sam and turn around to see him standing with Rafael basically alone in the middle of the club. Clearly being flirty and trying to take him home. RAFAEL. wtf? I'm sorry, but Taylor KNOWS about me and Rafa because he has asked about him to some degree every time we've hooked up. Rafael has no idea of the emotional drama Taylor has caused me, nor that I even know the guy. But Taylor could have not tried to pick up the guy I used to see.

In other news (I was waiting until this weekend to make a post), school has started back fantastically. My friends met me at the train station with a cup that had diet coke and 4 shots of gin in it. We had a raucous party, John Hayden and I bonded over our friendship, etc.

Classes are all pretty much amazing, though soooo reading intensive. I'm at the library at the moment with 6 readings in front of me, and these are just some of the ones for Monday and Tuesday. There's a book chapter and another huge article that I'm not printing out. And this is just the first round of assignments; I basically have the same amount due for the Wednesday/Thursday class days.

Winter break has been an assload of fun in some ways, remarkably dull and unfulfilling in others. I really have to finish Vinay's book/bibliography... if I don't, then he's fucked. I feel like I have so much power/responsibility with this assignment because I affect whether or not a book gets PUBLISHED.

Most of the break has been chilling with Suzanna and playing around Memphis like that. For New Year's Eve, we partied pretty hard with just us and Kyla... ended up blacking out half the night after downing so much wine and gin. Loved it though.

To be honest, I'm ready to go back to Vassar. Home hasn't been that much fun because after 3 days, my mom and brother were exactly the same as always, consistently yelling. Oh, and my dad's house was just awful because of how I was treated like a drug addict before even getting there. My aunt texted me, "No pipes or anything in Courtney and Eric's car... hope you can go a few days without it." I confronted her and my grandmother, so those relationships are pretty much repaired I think, but I couldn't handle more confrontations.

Skyping has been a bit of a lifesaver; Sam and Hayden I think are legit becoming 2 of my best friends, although of course Hayden already was. But we've been developing into a pretty strong trio, which I love. Sam and Janosz are hopefully about to become a legit couple, and if I can get John Hayden to back the fuck off of his jealousy, I'll be a much happier camper in that group.

Maturity/Growth Moment: I've made another Taylor decision. Still emotionally stable over the situation, that hasn't changed, I figure that it would be best if I just asked him about the whole dating thing. Not, "go out with me," but "I want to make sure this is all you want." It kind of puts power in his hands, but as long as I get a turn to say, "I'm okay with whatever you want, though a relationship is what I would ideally like." There's nothing wrong with this. It's forward without being creepy. And I will legit be okay with whatever he says.

Not to spam on the Taylor thing, and this is really a lot different than usual. For once it's about other people and them doing awful embarrassing things.

So the thing about Taylor is that he's rather unique in one way: he has one arm. Well, one and a half, but his other arm ends a little ways below the elbow. Whatever, it makes pretty much zero difference and I don't pay attention to it most of the time.

Whenever I was really angry at him and shit, Hayden had this thing about making "Taylor jokes" which are awful, i know, but they made me feel better. So Saturday night when I was getting ready to go meet him to hook up, everyone was sorta being drunk and stupid and saying things like, "he's going to meet up with stumpy... hope he doesn't get too handsy."

Yesterday, I get bored and look at Texts From Last Night: Vassar Edition. People can post whatever texts they want on there but there's no filter like with the real thing. My friend Vee posts: (978) He's not here, other people are thoug. He's having sex with stumpy. (646) Who the hell is stumpy?

It was up for 18 minutes before I could call her, yell at her, and have her take it down. I was mortified. How many other people could actually be nicknamed stumpy on campus, were having sex that night and whose sexual partner was a mutual friend of the poster? Probably not many.

Then i accidentally stalked him at the library. I sat down at the one available place and he definitely wasn't anywhere in sight because i had been looking for a blank table. Half an hour later, it turns out he had just been getting a book and his shit had been at the table behind me. It doesn't really make a difference, normally I wouldn't give a shit... but I'm just a little nervous because of what happened.

The past week or so has just been incredibly happy for me. I've been having so much fun with my friends, esp. Hayden, John Lee and April. Also, I've been getting a lot closer to Faren because we're in cycles where we like each other a lot. We both understand how we go through "cycles" with friends and it has to be like that.

Tonight was Primal Scream, which is when everyone goes out onto the quad and screams loudly for several minutes "to relieve stress." Then there was a fire display (people twirling batons with the ends lit) which was cool. Now I'm sitting in the common room with April and others. Tomorrow I have my first exam (Environmental Science) and I'm so excited to be done forever with that class. Then I have French on Tues and Psych on Wed. I'm legit planning on getting schwasted on Wed. night and continuing to drink all day Thurs.

Emotionally I'm really pleased because I finally got closure with Taylor. Last night I was a little drunk with Hayden and I decided to text Taylor asking him what he'd been up to lately. I figured he would never text back, but he did within 20 minutes. I started playing Kings (again, we play it a lot) while texting back and forth and we decided to meet up "to hang out." At 2:30 in the morning. We clearly were not going to hang out. Hayden told me he would yell at me today and he did, but that's okay. I had a great night; we talked for an hour, hooked up, and then he walked me halfway back to my dorm.

I realized today that I really needed to feel in control... and I learned that I essentially have the power of booty call. Which is really nice. But the point- I had control. Right before he left, he said to let him know how my study week was going and I said that I wouldn't be leaving until Friday, but would be done on Wednesday. I plan on texting him probs Wed. or Thurs. I'm so emotionally over him, but he is by far the most enjoyable lay I've had and I don't want to give that up.

I wanna go home so that I can drink champagne and get high with Suzanna. Looking forward to it. 4 days!!

I've been feeling really happy lately, which is a nice change in my possibly manic-depressant cycle of life. Note: I'm afraid I might actually have a mood disorder that has heretofore gone ignored, but has always been present. When I break down and go to therapy half way through my junior year, we'll discover if this is true.

I've been remarkably productive of late and it seems like I'm getting ready to buckle down and be an amazing student again next semester. My grades aren't going to be great for this semester (projected grades: A, A-, B+, B), but that's supposedly really good for Vassar students.

Right now I'm in the conference room of my dorm with my friends Molly and Kate. Molly is this adorably hilarious and really hot lipstick lesbian and Kate's super tiny and nice. We don't hang out that much but it's nice to have peace and quiet in here. I only have 2 more days of class and then a week to study before finals!!! :( I'm trying to force myself to see the desperation of my environmental science situation (7 chapters behind) and get a move on, but it's so difficult because it's so dull.

On a mentally positive note, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm a little tired of this whole Vassar hook-up culture thing and after the break (and UTK) I'm going to try and get back together with Rafa(el). We just get along so great and I think I really let him go unappreciated when we were hooking up just because I didn't want to get buckled down. But it was always really pleasant to just cuddle and watch something and be able to talk a lot.

Suzanna's birthday is in 4 days and I really wish I could do something amazing for her, but I'm 12 hours away by car and it'll be another week until I see her. But then it'll be fantastic.

I think I've been able to establish even more firmly lately who my friends are here and who I'll stay friends with. Hayden and I are basically best friends, and I feel the same way about Katie, Mariah and Faren. I know shit tons of other people that I like, but I just feel closest with these 4, even though we're not a "group." I like it that way. We overlap and stuff (like on Friday when Hayden, Mariah, Katie, Laura and I stayed up until 5 in the morning watching a movie in the parlor and talking). And yesterday when it SNOWED beautifully for the first time this winter, Faren invited me, Mariah, Hayden and Corrina up to her room for hot chocolate and spiced cider.

Next semester I feel will be even more incredible.

I actually had a really nice Thanksgiving this year, possibly my favorite in a good many years. My friend John Lee (adorable little gay boy who looks 12) and I went to his orchestra stand partner's apartment for dinner, along with her 2 senior roommates, her freshman brother from Rochester, and another freshman guy from the volleyball team. True, I only knew John, but it was really fun getting to know these people. We had a huge dinner, including an 18 lb turkey shot on Tuesday, and drank a lotttttt of wine.

Friday was exciting because John and I went to New York City. We got there at noon and wandered around Times Square and then walked up 5th to see the Rockefeller Center, then past Central Park and to Columbus Circle. There, we met up with Daryl, John's boyfriend and went around a few other places. When we were back in Central Park and they were taking a private moment down by the lake, I called Suzanna and we talked about her misunderstanding me earlier that morning.

I thought that I wasn't really missing my friends that much, partially because I was a little mad that none of them invited me home for Thanksgiving (which is just what you're supposed to do at college, everyone who's seen a college movie knows that), but I was really happy for them to be back. We only have 6 more days of classes (well, I do at least, some people have 8), which makes me super nervous. I'm excited to be back home though to see Suzanna and everybody EVERYBODY else.

I've unfortunately been having emotional relapses over Taylor. The last guy i was hooking up with unfortunately became my friend, and so we decided to no longer sleep together. Which is the best thing all over, just because it's not good to sleep with your friends. Especially because Hayden, one of my best friends, lives right across the hall from him and I'm usually over there. The things that have been setting off my Taylor relapses are 1) seeing/interacting with him TWICE last weekend, even though for only a minute or so each, 2) interacting with one of his roommates, Abby, during a psych experiment ironically called "emotional experiences," and 3) being at a senior apartment and discussing the differences between that one and HIS apartment with John Lee.

My friend Mariah has been in love with this guy Jeremy from high school for over a year. Though I'm not "in love" with Taylor by any means, I asked her why we have to constantly experience emotional attachments to people. Her response: "Because we're destined to be in happy relationships." I laughed.

Finals are approaching- exactly 2 weeks. And then a few days later, Memphis. Where has this semester gone????

Updates:  Lindsey came to visit me.  Lindsey drank too much vodka.  Lindsey went to the hospital covered in glitter and vomit.  Such fun.  Halloween kinda legitimately sucked for me.

Unlike most schools, Vassar gets a full week off for October Break.  Wherein the entire fucking campus empties out and leaves.  So I've been fairly lonely, during the day at least, but with friends/casual friends at night.

Thursday- blacked out, but in a good way (apparently).  Friday- went to a party at senior housing, table-danced, got to grind up on my sexually ambiguous/possibly bi friend Nick.  Saturday- got high with Nick and this guy Matt and then got drunk and then danced.

The lovely Gloriana (Glo) came back on Monday to keep me company, but she left today.

Yesterday was lovely because 1) I called Taylor to see if he wanted to hang out this weekend, and he ended up inviting me over to his apartment for wine.  Such a date.  And it was really really pleasant; we talked and drank wine and had sex.  2) Suzanna called me really upset and crying just as I was about to get ready and we talked for a long while and I miss her so much.  She's the most amazing person in my life and I loved how we rebonded just over that telephone call.

Supposed to go back over to Taylor's apartment tonight, but he's hard at work today on his senior thesis (40-50 pages on how the media portrays immigration across the U.S.-Mexican border) and might not have time.

I have my own work to do because break "is about work, not about wasting time" according to my enviro sci teacher.  She's lovely, but I call shenanigans on that.  I finished my reading for my writing class and now have to 1) do research on some stupid science poster, and  2) read and fully understand a French novella for a quiz on Tuesday.  I actually thought there was more.  THOUGH I do have work study shit to do, which is just fully unpleasant.

I'm so looking forward to winter break and seeing everyone.  And I love my plan on going back to UTK early with Suzanna and then riding a greyhound bus back to Memphis to catch my plane.  I feel like I would really love meeting all of these people that she's become such good friends with and it would help out with the our long distance issue, i.e. the fact that we live so far apart.
 

Some things I love about college so far, in no particular order:

1. Being able to hang out with someone pretty much anytime.  I can just wander down the hall and somebody I know will be chilling, even at 3 a.m.

2.  Drinking.  I can now shoot vodka again after the horrible Backstreet debacle of early August.  This makes me happy because people generally only have vodka.

3.  Being nerdy together.  Only at such a ridiculously "smart school" would the economic term "point of diminishing returns" be regularly applied to alcohol consumption.

4.  Dancing.  We have dance parties all the time; they're basically our form of study break, even during the week.

5.  My friends.  I really doubted I could form bonds as strong as those with my Memphis friends (you), but already I feel like I've made some friends that I'll hopefully keep for a really long time. 

6.  Mood.  Everyone at this college is pretty much in agreement on one thing:  liberalism is the shit.  And it's not okay to have any sort of homophobia (I'm sorry, heterosexism), which I've noticed people tend to accept of athletes and other uber-masculine types around Memphis.  Some of the good friends I've made here are guys on sports teams, which I would never have done at home.

In other updates... so my entire Taylor drama, for dedicated readers of this sappy blog thing, turns out to be founded entirely on the curious beast that is the Vassar College Rumor Mill.  I ended up going to this dance party thing at like 2 in the morning and I met up with Taylor again.  Wherein he seemed the same adorable, funny, really nice guy.  And we danced/made out on the dance floor (in front of someone, accidentally, who had told me a few hours earlier he was a whore).  We broke into an academic building for a while, just for kicks, then went back to his place.  After...wards, I was all, "So basically everyone tells me that you're a freshmen predator."  To which he respond, "I KNOW, right?"  Apparently he's been confronted by these rumors by several people, but they're not true at all.  

Apparently I'm the only person he's had sex with this semester.  And he's looked for me at parties and was asking me, at the dance party thing, why I hadn't called him (I didn't have his number).  

I am still completely uncertain about the situation, but I know that I still (unfortunately) really like him and I never got over him.  He keeps semi-inviting me places; Saturday night (we hooked up on Friday, we just saw each other and talked on Sat) he mentioned a post-Grizzly Bear party, but I don't remember hearing "Why don't you come to it?"  It was just implied.  Though he did say, "You should party with us over fall break."  Again, the "us" leads to my confusion.  

He definitely wants to hook up again, based solely on him asking, and admirably in my opinion, about exactly how I liked having sex- "For future reference."  I just can't get a grasp on whether he's into me as a person and has genuine feelings or is feeling all big brotherly to the freshman who he also likes to fuck.

In any case, this is not an angst-filled sad post, or even one of mild psychosis.  I'm just filling out my LJ with my thoughts and wondering how this will all play out.

Best

College has been really great for me, especially once I got over being ridiculously obsessive with that senior.  I'm glad about that.  I still can't resist looking at his facebook profile at least once a day, but that's really just my nature to do so; if I counted up how many people's profiles I looked at in a day, I would probably need to lock myself up.

Classes are getting amazing.  I DID have to spend 4 hours in the woods/composting area near our school collecting plant specimens and earth core samples.  That wasn't fun.  But I'm deigning to spend psychology class doing other work, my writing seminar is fucking incredible, and my French class is really advanced, which is fun.

I'm weirdly already thinking about next semester's classes.  Instead of 4.0 credits (which means 4 classes, which is standard for Vassar, we're weird and don't do "hours"), I'm considering doing 5.0, which is entirely feasible.  The true question is whether or not I want to do Intensive German, which is 2.0 credits- basically it's doing a year of Elementary German in a semester.  This means 1h15 every single day, Monday through Friday.  And already I'm used to having Fridays off.  Besides that, I'm fairly set on Intro to Sociology and Biology 106, which is the lab course that you must have as a prereq for upper level bio classes.  

So I'm not "in a relationship," but I am spending a lot of time, both in my bed and out of bed, with Rafael, who is funny and incredibly obsessive compulsive and a cross country runner.  We're not super serious, we just hang out all the time and hook up regularly.  Right now, he's lying in my common room pretending to be asleep on his calculus homework.  It's kinda adorable.  I really want to go in the next room (I think they're drinking), but I don't want to leave him alone because WEIRDLY this room is empty.

Weekends events:  tonight, party and possibly dancing at the Mug, the college nightclub.  Friday:  hip hop night at the Mug.  Saturday:  Welcome to the Jungle, a themed party.  Sunday:  homework, including (re)reading The Metamorphosis by Kafka.  

My roommate (with whom I have a really nice, close friendship) and I are now in competition.  He put up a picture from a magazine of a girl in lingerie on a motorcycle.  So I put up a picture of a guy in just a revealing towel.  And then he put up some hot chick's picture.  So I have to come up with something clever.  By semester's end, our room will just be covered with hot people. 

I love college.

I'll try and update soon... just not much has been going on that's worth writing about.
 

So last night I decided to go to this party and see if I could find Taylor there and talk to him.  I actually DID talk to him, he was really friendly but very aloof and then wandered off.  I pathetically watched him for over an hour (not continuously, just periodically), waiting for my chance to ask him for his number.  I then saw him talking with this other freshman gay guy, and immediately, I just had the most marvelous disillusionment.  It WASN'T more than a hook-up, despite everything he said or did.  He's just a freshman-banging whore.  Miraculously, almost all the feelings of angst I had had all day were gone.

I won't lie, I still wish he were a person with whom I could have a real connection.  I don't condemn him for doing what he does, because he was never truly dishonest about it.  If I run into him again, I'll be able to truly be friendly and talk to him without getting nervous.  In fact, I'm actually more like him than I care to admit, I just happened to fall for him.  Already, I'm having to ignore people and try to shut them down for trying to get with me.

On the other hand, I no longer feel bad about drunkenly boasting on Saturday that I had fucked a senior.  I felt guilty about that on Sunday, like bragging had been wrong.  But if I was just another conquest, then so was he- and I can tell whoever I want.

So my first week of Orientation was fairly badass and fairly boring at the same time, but I won't go into that.  I will say the first Saturday was a success- a few of my friends and I went to a Town House (TH) party that pretty much everyone was at- before it got broken up- but then got invited into a Frisbee Team party that was fairly rad.

My classes have begun decently, and I like all of them except for Intro to Psychology, which SHOULD get more interesting, especially if I stick out with it.  I would never drop a class though, so it's not like that's even an issue.

Friday was stressful and weird up until the evening.  My friend Julia didn't take her medication and was super cuddly all day, which just irritates me, remarkably so when I'm already in a foul mood.  My boss, this French professor, had assigned me to rip this DVD for him for his class, but hadn't said that it was due back at the library that night, so I had only half a day to work a program I had never worked before and get that damn DVD back.  I succeeded, though just barely.  That night though, at this really bad party, I ran into this guy Daryl, who is our House President.  He's really nice and I like hanging with him (which I don't THINK he's supposed to do when we're drinking, but whatever).  He introduced me to Taylor, this adorable senior guy.  We all three talked and joked around for quite some time, until Daryl wandered off and it was just the two of us.  Eventually, he asked if I wanted to bounce.

We talked about music (he loves Grizzly Bear and The Decemberists, which is a plus) all the way down to Sunset Lake, which is on the lower part of campus.  He showed me how to lay on my back on the bridge and look out over the water to see the sky and trees reflectd perfectly in the starlight.  That's when we started making out.  A few hills later, we were back at his apartment (seniors have on campus apartments rather than dorms).  And then, naturally, we had sex- twice.

Now I'm fucking annoying myself because I can't get him out of my head.  I am NOT that guy.  I can, and have, done casual sex before and just gone on my way.  But he was so incredible; he's a smart-ass, but not douchey, he's funny, he's understanding and experienced in bed, and I honestly felt a connection.  He said something about seeing each other again, but I couldn't quite understand him because this was after round two and he was really tired.  I'm 90% he just meant hang out, not actually see each other.  I feel like it was a one-time thing, which I was originally fine with.  I refuse to go all stalker on him, but to be honest, I really just want to see him again at some point.  It's not pride that stops me from writing on his facebook wall asking for his number, it's the fact that I don't want that rejection.  I might get the number, but it wouldn't do me any good.  He's a senior, with the completely separate lives that Vassar seniors live.  We have classes in the same buildings (in general, not specifically, I don't know his schedule), and we frequent the same parties, but that's it. 

I think I just have to spend a few days being emotional about this and then I'll move on.  We all know how good I am at compartmentalizing shit.  I just really had to get this out in writing and I'm sorry for the length and angst.  Fuck my unwelcome emotions, especially the ones I can't control.

So right now, I'm sitting in a hotel room in Newark, New Jersey, at 5:58 in the morning because I can no longer sleep.  I went to bed around 9:30 after taking a sleeping pill and thinking that I would sleep well until 7:00.  No such luck.  I woke up at least every 2 hours.

The Holiday Inn in summation.  Bad points:  Rude service, they overdrew my account with their "deposit" that should be returned when I check out, no microwave, nothing to do around here.  Good points:  It's comfortable, there's an iron, I appreciate the fact that they have gay porn though I wouldn't ever buy hotel porn (ugh), coffee.

This trip has been really interesting so far, if exhausting.  Around 8 last night, I succumbed to the pain of having carried around 2 heavy bags and a huge roller duffle.  As in, lie down and put a pillow underneath your back sort of pain.  Still a little achy, but better now.

I just made coffee and in about 45 minutes I'm going to get ready.  I don't have to be in the lobby until after 7:20 because the shuttle leaves for the airport (supposedly) every half hour, on the hour.  Once I get back to the airport, I'll take the airtrain over to "NJ Transit" and ride a train all the way over to New York Penn Station, which is on W 33rd St (In NYC).  And then I have a choice:  either walk 1.3 miles and experience the city, BUT with all my luggage, or pay about $6 for a taxi to Grand Central Station.  I think I'm picking the taxi.  From there, I just buy a ticket to Poughkesspie, leave at 9:45 and get there around 11:30.  

It feels weird being here, and it feels weird knowing I won't be back in Memphis, let alone the southern U.S. for at least 4 months.  Which is exciting, I must admit, but I would be lying if some incredulousness weren't being felt.  Ting Ting herself is VERY homesick (as an international student, she had to get there 2 days early) and is practically ready to leave... I had to calm her down via Skype yesterday and try and get her to see that she couldn't judge Vassar based on international orientation.

So in my final hours as a non-college student (which I think we all make too big of a deal about, it's not THAT huge of a step, to be honest), I am thinking of my friends and how we are all moving on.  Which is life.  

So in an effort to reconcile my dad's constant irritation at never seeing me, I arranged to spend a week with him here in his area of Arkansas.  I'm not exactly regretting this decision, but it has not been entirely positive so far.

Good thing:  he bought me new shoes.

Bad thing:  he asked me for the 2nd time if my mom's boyfriend or "anyone" had ever "done anything" to me.  He is still trying to find a reason for gayness.

Bad thing:  he brought up Jessica Campbell AGAIN and used her as an example of sexual fluidity.  Why I told him that, I'll never know.

Good thing:  I got to hang out with my cousin Kalin, who is going to be a junior in high school this year and is really cool.  I'm hoping to give her advice (over Facebook, largely) this year about college because her brother, who is a year older than me, is NO example. .  She wants to go to film school, which I think is great, even though I shamelessly plugged liberal arts colleges to her.

Bad thing:  2/3 of the triplets possibly have the flu.  Ethan's temperature went up to 104.7 last night.

Good thing:  I got to sleep in my sister's bed (which used to be mine) for 2 nights in a row because she stayed elsewhere.

Bad thing:  My stepmother backed her giant ass van into my small car this morning.  It dented the driver's side door and doesn't open easily.  My dad should have it fixed (I am soooo screwed if he doesn't) but it's horribly annoying and there's the possibility that they can't pull it out.

That was kinda long, but it's a summation so far of the pros and cons of this visit.  OH, and FedEx has possibly misplaced my bike.  But they don't know for certain.  As it turns out, fortunately, the first zip code that I gave them, even though I later called and corrected it, is for the town right next to Poughkeepsie. 

I HAVE EXACTLY 1 WEEK UNTIL MY FLIGHT LEAVES MEMPHIS.  Pretty much down to the same time.  I'm going to miss all of you and even those of you who aren't reading this because you fail to have LJ (Caitlin, Roxy, *cough cough*), but I'm ready to get on and start doing something useful with my life again.  Stagnation is just bothersome.
 

So my last weekend in Memphis with my friends was extremely eventful- it was some of the best times of my life, and some of the absolute worst.

Friday evening was incredibly pleasant with Suzanna's fancy dinner party.  It was me, Regina, Suz, Dylan, and Nathan.  The Hanks refused to eat anything besides the cake that they brought, but Nathan will almost certainly read this, so I have no comment.  Regina and I had a few mixed drinks and got a little buzzed, but I didn't think anything of it.  Around 10:30, Suzanna, Regina, and I left the house for Backstreet to meet Ryan and some of his friends.

In short, I ended up drinking too much and blacking out most of the night.  When I woke up in the spare bed at Suzanna's, the girls gleefully recounted all of my escapades the night before, largely consisting of nonsensical mutterings like, "No more Professor Snape" and "We have to restart the alphabet" and then vomiting.  I feel trashy.  Everything from hitting the gravel to being taken home to all the puking to being put to bed are completely gone.

Saturday was horrific.  I felt awful and nauseous all day and could not eat or really drink.  My low point was going and vomiting in the Old Navy bathroom (it was tax free weekend, I had to shop).  When I went to work, Amanda, Roxy, and Regina started telling me to drink LOTS of water and suggested eating crackers, goldfish (crackers), and cake cones.  By the time we closed, I was feeling pretty decent.  So Natalie drove me and Roxy down to Monica's for Regina's 21st birthday party- which was really really fun.

It was sort of a last hurrah for the TCBY crew and all of us who are friends, and by last hurrah, I mean until Christmas Break.  Even if I see them before we all leave, I will miss:  Suz, Caitlin, Regina, Roxy, Nick, Katie, Natalie, Molly, and Amanda.   I'm sad that a lot of people left the party soon after we got there, but the remainder was quite lovely.  Despite the previous night's atrocities, I let Roxy convince me to drink some more and smoking out on the porch was really really helpful- it probably made the night as painless as it was in terms of bodily nausea.  Though, admittedly, a drunk me, Roxy, Katie, and Nick aren't too helpful when it comes to being discreet or really aware of anything.  (re:  Regina).  Sorry.

Eventually, Nick, Roxy (who had puked a few times and even mildly convulsed), and Regina all went to bed.  Katie was awake but largely silent as me, Monica, and Matt talked and laughed raucously until 5 in the morning.  

I spent the next day eating, sleeping at so many different points in the day, watching Arrested Development, and reading Harry Potter.  Such a fucking good day.